Maturity
What is maturity anyhow? You always hear people saying "Oh grow up", or "Real mature (sarcastically)", but what do they mean? Quite honestly, the past year I've thought I was too immature for some things, and it was something I was striving to fix. But, the entire year I was trying to figure out HOW one became more mature, without knowing what I'd consider mature!
I'll admit it, I've got very, very diverse personalities depending on who I'm with. Not that I'm two-faced, just that I fit in with just about any group of people, which is quite a blessing for someone who's studying a foriegn language (Arabic), pursuing a scientific degree (CS), and doing research as a grad student might while an undergrad. So, labeling them all as immature might be a bit much, however judging my actions as a whole, and how I treated certain situations and specifically relationships, I judged myself immature.
Well, tonight I think I've come up with a good definition. Maturity is having the balls to live with the decisions you've made. Anything might be percieved as mature, or otherwise depending on the person viewing it, but the fact remains if you make a good decision (or really screw up) and you accept the consequences and move on, that's mature. Could be you were caught with drugs, a very stupid thing, but you accept it, do your time, and move on. Some may say you're immature for messing around with illegal substances, or skipping class to do so. I'd say you did your time, didn't complain and survivied, which is more mature than a lot of people who might not do drugs but live in denial about stupid screw ups that might've cost them a job.
I've got a friend I made this summer that became HIV+ from "risky behavior". The guy handled it better than I did, and I barely knew him at the time. Some might call him an idiot for the way he caught it. I can't get over the fact that he's facing a potentially life threatening condition, and he and I could spend literally hours in his hospital room making jokes (He was one "positive" guy). That's maturity.
I know a lady who's first marriage was so bad she didn't tell her kids that this was her second until they were 16. The former husband treated her like crap, but it wasn't from fear, or grief that she hid this fact. It was from maturity, and a zeal to not let that crappy situation from the past mess up a great family now. Talk about maturity, to never once lament the old days, or let it influence her, but to raise kids for 16 years without ever once regretting that time. Amazes me.
I've made some decisions in my life that I've regretted, some more than others, and some for quite a long time. These aren't even what most people would consider "bad" decisions, just ones that put me in certain places at certain times. Tonight, just now in fact, I realized that I have to let those go. No way to change the past, much as I want to. Plus, the ones I really want to change, would change who I am. And if I'm truly "mature" how could I want to change my entire personality, also a large set of my knowledge?
Spent a lot of time cursing myself tonight, wondering if I'm mature or not, asking myself if a mature person would handle themselves in this manner, etc. Gotta say, I've always been a fighter that's not stopping now, and screw it, I'm living with my decisions. There will be no more questioning after tonight (so easy to say, I expect that'll be harder than I assume) where I am, or what I'm doing. This does not mean I give up hope for the future to fix some of these decisions, merely that I'm not second guessing any more.
So, my call out to whomever might consider themself a reader of mine. Do not let the past get to you. I don't mean you shouldn't take time to mourn, grieve, or remember, but if you feel its bringing you down, you've gotta let it go. I've seen one person that's quite close to me absolutely ruined, to the point of giving up on life completely, from living in the past, and not living with their decisions. I learned that lesson first hand, and as of this moment, I'm considering myself "mature". I hope you will as well.
